What is your biggest fear?

This question has come up a number of times recently. I’ve given a variety of answers. Malaria. Dengue Fever. Crime. Hurricanes. Being alone. But are these my biggest fears?

They are certainly concerns that need to be respected. Being alone is a creeping fear that resurfaces to plague me occasionally. But even though the Lord has denied me a wife (so far) he has given 26 daughters that I must learn love. Not exactly an empty quiver. (Of course, the standard reply I get if I mention this fear is “we’re never alone when God is with us.” This is true. And when it comes from a Christian, who has lived out a faithful life of terrible loneliness, I curse myself and ask for forgiveness. When it comes from a Christian younger than me, who is married and living a ridiculously comfortable life, I curse my brother and ask for forgiveness.)

So what is my biggest fear? What terrifies me? What about moving to a foreign land scares me? That along with my books and plans and ideas and bug spray I bring along myself.

I mean my lazy, corrupt, self-centered, mean, grumpy, whiney, immoral, sinful, old self. In short, my biggest fear is that I’ll be ineffective and un-useful to the Lord.

I want to bring my renewed self, my transformed self, my redeemed self. So that I may be useful to the Lord. That he may allow me to be an instrument in his hand. And that people will see Christ in all I do and say.