May 21st 2009

...is my official departure date! It feels good to finally know when I'm leaving. I promise more updates will follow.

Do I love only what comforts me?

I read the book of Jonah this morning. It grabbed me. And hasn’t quite let go yet. The book is always striking of course. But, this morning I looked closer at the illustration of the vine and the worm that the Lord uses to reveal Jonah’s heart.

Jonah is angry at the Lord for sparing sinful people, so he walks off. He builds a shelter, but the hot sun beats upon him. The Lord makes a vine grow. It provides shade and eases Jonah’s discomfort. But then the Lord has a worm kill the vine. Jonah loses his shade and wishes to die.

Jonah was concerned about a vine that provided him with shade, but the fate of over 120,000 people did not move him.

A question came to me: Do I love only what comforts me or provides me a service?

I realized that this is a question that cannot be ignored. If I love in this manner it cannot begin until someone provides me something I like. And it cannot continue once that person stops providing what I like. Of course, this is no love at all.

When the Lord loves it is free and unconditional. Often it brings great pains to himself. It does not end. It is not selfish. He loves because that is who He is.

May my love be as the Lord’s love. May I love the kids at House of Hope with this love. May I love strangers as the Lord loves. And someday if the Lord deems me worthy of a wife may I love her fully and as the He loves.

Hanna's Handiwork

Click here for some pictures from MSNBC of the flooding in Haiti caused by hurricane Hanna. Please be praying for the people in Haiti. Two more hurricanes are on the way.

My Third Trip to Haiti - Part 5

8-19-08

I didn’t have water again this morning. I had to take a shower in the roof bathroom. It is actually pretty nice. It’s a concrete block room with open windows.

I need to be in a good mood today. Lord, help me. Please. Fill me with your Spirit and keep me in your presence. You are my Lord and Savior. I praise your name. Lord, be my support. Be my joy. I praise you my king. I love you, O Lord. I give myself to you. Show me the way to go. Show me your love.

Later – The generator wasn’t working so I went with Angelo to the auto parts store. We needed to buy an extender to pull out the sparkplug. I said “store” but it was actually a strip of many stores. One side of the street is little auto parts stores just one after the other. We had to walk down the street to several store until we found one that had the part. Everyone was looking at me. They so rarely see white people.



After we got the generator going we went to Deli Mart. I bought some kind of French coconut snack bread and small bottle of orange juice.

Lunch was rice with a vegetable and spice mixture. Very good. I was hungry but I didn’t eat a lot. My heart is pounding. I’m setting my will.

Later – I played Frisbee with Lovia and a couple of other girls. I lifted Lovia up to the almond tree and she picked almonds for some of the kids. Little hands grabbed rocks and commenced pounding the shells. Though, a couple of the younger girls just bit into the shells. I hope almond shells aren’t poisonous like cashew shells are. Nobody died so I guess they’re safe.

I’m sitting on the roof. I was in the shade, but old Helios has appeared in wrath. I may flee. I’ve hidden myself in the shadow of the railing. Dark gloomy clouds lay off to the east. I was hoping tonight would be clear. The sky has been covered every night. Not once have I seen the stars. A cool breeze makes me forget the hot sun. Majestic thunderheads roll. Now thunder rumbles. A low crackle really. I shall pray:

Lord, hear your servant. I am unworthy I know, but I ask you to hear me. Take these little ones and make them yours. Keep your hand of protection on them. Bless them. I pray for the country of Haiti. I pray that they will grow and prosper and become strong. Such a beautiful country. Such a beautiful people. Lord, have mercy. Lord, I ask for strength. My life is not my own. In Jesus’ name I pray.

Hmmm... I can see rain in the mountains.

8-20-08

It’s going to be hot today. I can feel it. I enjoyed a fitful sleep. Allow this to be my best day, O Lord. Let me see with new eyes. Let me love with a new heart. Let me be your servant in Haiti.

Later - Lunch was a feast again. I’ve noticed I eat the meals here with barbaric relish.

I had good talks with Angelo and Rafael this morning. I need to get to know them better. I will need their help when I move down here.



Later – I just got done playing Uno with Hosana. We played for about an hour. There was no way to win. I don’t remember how to play and having an eight year old explain the rules in a foreign language is probably not ideal for learning the game.

I’m going to show the girls a video tonight. Probably Barbie Princess and the Pauper because they are all crying for that one. I wanted to show Kermit the Swamp Years because I’ve secretly been wanting to watch it for years.

Today’s been very good. Tomorrow I leave. How do I feel about leaving? How do I feel coming back to stay? Everything is moving fast. I must be up to the task. Lord, I need your Spirit. Lord, work your will.

8-21-08

I’m headed to Miami. I left the house with a heavy heart. I said goodbye to the girls and gave them candy. O Lord, how may I serve them?
Trying to get through the airport and everyday tasks are pulling back down to earth. Help me not to forget, O Lord.

My Third Trip to Haiti - Part 4

8-17-08

The sermon was delivered. Of course I changed what I was going to speak on the moment before I got up there. I spoke on Nehemiah. I prepared some remarks on several Psalms and then on the Sermon on the Mount, but I changed all of a sudden. I had been thinking about someone with a mission. A man with a task.



The old folks’ home still has me upset. I’m not thinking clearly. I need to find words for what I have seen. I’m not documenting correctly. Hmmm...

The interior of the building is dark. It’s even darker now because a break in the rain sends the tropical sun spilling down. In that building waits something. Something horrible. I can feel it. Decay creeps into my bones. In that building waits demons. At least for me. Illness. Strangers. Loneliness. Some of my greatest fears. I’m afraid I’ll get sick. I’m afraid someone will touch me. I’m afraid... I’m afraid... I’m being pushed to my limit. I must go beyond my limits then. I step to the door. Living mummies lie on beds or benches. Well, the women have beds. In the men’s building they lie on the concrete floors. Someone’s grandfather. I put on a mask. I try to be pleasant. Yet, my heart pounds. I want to flee. But I don’t.

Later - Today Lived like a potentate. Food is brought at appointed times. I lounge in the shade and read. All I lack is an army and some dancing girls.

I’m trying to pray. But I know I need to spend some time with the girls.



8-18-08

Did I spend time with the kids? Oh, yes. We had a sing-along until dusk last night.

This morning I met Rafael the architect. A very nice man. He lived in the States for 32 years and has returned to Haiti.

I gave some money to the church to use the next time they go to another old folks’ home. It cost them three hundred dollars US to feed those people. And it takes three months for them to raise it. These people need every cent they make yet they are willing to give freely.

O Lord, I’m so selfish! Help me.

Later - I need to plan. I must get a list together. I need to be in better shape. I need to figure out what I’ll be doing here. I’m so lazy. I must work. Help me, O Lord. Teach me your power. Reveal your majesty. Give me an open and willing heart. I need to be strong and determined. I must work. I must.

My Third Trip to Haiti - Part 3

8-16-08

And the rains? They did come. Even now we are being lashed with terrific winds and rains.

The house is coming alive. I hear the girl’s voices. Creole has a fascinating quality to it. A rooster crows. Everything here is closer to the earth. In America we put a barrier between ourselves and creation. We make it easier to forget God. Only a people who live in luxury can say there is no God. Sure, some people here act like there is no God but that’s the sin nature. Yet, you can see God all around you. His plan is in the dawn. His power is in the wind. His majesty is in the sound of the falling rain. His wisdom is in the shadow stealing cross the floor. His love is in the melody of a child’s song.

Some of the kids are swarming around me now. They think my writing is too small. I tried to tell them that sometimes I can’t even read my own writing.



Later – I went to an old folks’ home with a group from the local church. It was a reeking house of indignity and death, insanity and disease. The sorrow. The loneliness. The pounding ache of human suffering. What do you think preoccupied my mind? Compassion? No. Concern? No. Love? No, no and no. Germs and a beautiful girl. Why am I so weak?



I watched poor people gave to people that are even more poor. The women at the church save their money to buy food to give to the old folks. The government runs the place, but they don’t provide food or at least not enough to sustain a person. The people have to rely on their families or the charity of strangers to bring them real food.



The lady who runs the place became very upset because I was taking pictures. She said I was going to use them for “political purposes.” Meaning that I would take the pictures to the media and show the conditions these people are living in. But things were smoothed out and I got some pictures. I didn’t take pictures of some things. I felt that the old folks were in a bad enough position without some “blanc” heaping indignities on them.



All this rain we are getting is Tropical Storm Fay. It’s so cool I almost need a sweatshirt.

Hmmm... the old folks’ home? I’m trying to forget. But I mustn’t. One of the young girls from the church sat with an old lady. The woman’s face lit up with joy. The joy of just speaking with another human being for a minute or two. There were other sights, too. Ones that I won’t record. Ones that made me close my eyes. Ones that made me shake.

Why am I moving here? My Lord, why am I the one? Because I’m willing? Am I willing?

Metti just came and crawled into my lap. She sang Amazing Grace in Creole for about an hour. She’s all smiles and makes me laugh. Why am I moving here, again? Hmmm...

I’m supposed to be preparing a sermon. For tomorrow!

My Third Trip to Haiti - Part 2

8-15-08

I forced myself to eat breakfast this morning. I didn’t like it, but I have to get over stuff like that. It was prepared by gracious hands so I cannot refuse. In a country where everyone is starving I shouldn’t complain.

As I was taking a shower it wasn’t working right so I adjusted it. The shower head came off in my hand. I had to smile. I shrugged and thought, “C’est la vie.”

I was asked to speak at church on Sunday. Lord, give me a message from your heart.

Some of the doubts I had last night are going away. It’s wonderful what a new day can bring. It is funny how some physical inconveniences can cause me to doubt my Lord. I didn’t know where some things were and things were dirty, so I was upset.

The Haitians are such a joyous people. A song or smile is quick to their lips. The girls are cleaning up after the rain and one of them just burst into song. It’s beautiful. The low thumping of a UN gunship circling above breaks the spell of the song.



Later – I need to learn Creole. I’m completely cut off and ineffective without it. Lord, I need your power. I must learn. I must make a list of goals. And accomplish them. Lord, please help me.

Later – The children are... what’s the word? Animated. Every once in awhile I have some other words I would like to call them, but I shall refrain. I’m kidding. I love them all. Even when they are evil.

Angelo left me alone in Deli Mart. I navigated it fairly well. No cross-cultural incidents. We saw Bill the American who runs a boys orphanage.

Lunch was very good. It was some type of rice and spice mixture that is served with a nameless fish. Very good. Landa came up to me and put her arms around me. A couple of the smaller girls did the same. It got a bit overwhelming. A surge of parental love almost brought me to tears. But I held it together until they had to go and do some things.

Later – I had to lay down for awhile because I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I didn’t really sleep, but I wasn’t really awake either. I was possessed by strange chaotic dreams. Barsoom (I’ve been reading Edgar Rice Burroughs) melded with dreams of glory and me professing love to girls I’ve never met.

I’m sitting on the roof now covered by God’s canopy. Gloom is closing in as the sun sets. Just a minute ago the reflection of the sun on a cloud bank lit up the world painting it red ochre. A restless breeze stirs the air. It’s quite cool.

The thing I must get use to is the outdoor lifestyle of Haiti. In America we are inside most of the time cut off from the world. Mountains, sunsets and Mango trees will make it easy. Heat, insects and exertion will make it hard.
I had thought about sleeping on the roof, but lightning is now playing in the east.

The girls are singing hymns. I have no words for the beauty of little children singing praises to the Lord.

It’s now dark. I can feel the rain coming.

My Third Trip to Haiti - Part 1

8-14-2008

I’m on a plane heading to Miami. I spent the night at Carl and Carole’s. Flying is an interesting thing. St. Louis looks so small and the layout looks entirely different. Clouds jut up forming cities. Cities in the clouds. The sheer red glint of the morning sun off of rivers and lakes is blinding.

I’m feeling a bit more apprehension on this trip. I don’t know why. Maybe because everything is becoming real. Too real. The next time I go to Haiti I will be staying and working. Why have I chosen this? Did I choose? Lord you have put this on my heart. You have taken hold of me. Let go only when you have accomplished your will. Why does my heart beat so fast? Why is my breath so short?

The world lies before me. So few roads I have traveled. So many times I have remained idle. So few risks I have taken. So many times I have shied away from real love.

I’m trying to remember the girls at the orphanage. Yet I can’t. It’s been thirteen months since I was in Haiti. How quickly the vision dims. The children seem almost abstract to me. Not like they are my daughters.

O Lord, remind me. Make me eager to see my daughters. Lord, help me see you on this trip. Help me put my trust in you. Whisper words to strengthen my spirit. Whisper: Courage. Whisper: Love.



Later--

I’m at the house. Finally. The sky broke forth in a torrent so I couldn’t go the roof. I sat in Miami from 10am to 5pm because of lightning. Only 3 or 4 hours late. Not too bad.

It took awhile to get through the airport. It’s always an experience. Guys swarm you wanting money but you just have to play it cool. One step into the house made it all worth it. I saw several of the girls. I loved them all again.

After I got to Miami I wanted to get into step with the Lord so I reflected on Psalm 84. When we finally took off I was seized by a feeling of apprehension. I kept imaging the wing of the plane ripping off and all of us plunging to a watery grave. I reflected on Psalm 3. Then I kept reading the Psalms. I spent a lot of time on Psalm 16.

Now after a meal of crackers and Easy Cheese I’m feeling some doubt. Everything crashes down on you here. Lord, I’m yours. Lord, your arm is a shield around me.

My Second Trip to Haiti

7-5-07
I’m on a plane going to Miami. The takeoff was bumpy. But, the sky is beautiful. Clouds spring up like towers. Rivers cut the land like muddy ribbons. Square and rectangle farms spread to the limit of vision. Now, clouds form mountain ranges with jagged peaks. (My throat is sore. Please Lord, heal me.) More rivers this time blue. I’m tired. I’m nervous. I’m thinking about my two year commitment of moving to Haiti. Do I have the will to set my heart on this? No. I don’t, but Lord you are awesome. I should do this. I know in my heart. I should do this. I will miss my parents, my brother, his wife, Robby and Andy, Valley Park Chapel and the Impact kids. But, what will I gain? Twenty-five daughters! A chance to depend on the Lord for all I need. On this trip, Lord, I want to honor you. Lord, please guide me. Please keep me in your presence. Lord, be mighty. Work in this broken man. Take me where you want me to be.

Later – Sitting in the Miami airport watching the lightning. It’s spotty. I can’t tell which way it’s moving. The fire alarm strobes were going off on the level above of us. I had visions of a mass evacuation. But, it didn’t happen. When flying in I saw some amazing circle farms that looked like works of art. We flew right over Tampa. I could see the Skyway Bridge, the bay, the city, the gulf, and the Moon all at once! Out the terminal windows the sky has grown angrier. The lightning is crazy. Now, I really hope the fire alarm doesn’t go off. Why am I here? Do I mean, why am I in the airport going to Haiti? Or do I mean, why am I here on Earth? I don’t know why I just felt like asking that question. Lord, why am I here? I want to serve you. I want to live a life pleasing to you. Please, O Lord, be my courage and my heart for I feel weak. Lord, give me firmness of will. I love you, Lord. I will praise your Name.

Later – We got held in Miami overnight, weather and plane problems. The airline put us up in a hotel. I have a big room to myself. Well, I need to sleep.



7-6-07
Flying to Haiti. I just saw a rainbow in the clouds. (Oh, yesterday I saw a bull’s-eye rainbow.) As we travel, Lord, I ask that you give us mercy. Help me to love those little girls at the house. Help me give of myself. Help me. The clouds! They look like towns and castles! I enjoy seeing all the people on the plane and at the airport. A million stories, souls, broken hearts, loves, sorrows, joys... Lord, bless them all. Lord, give me the heart to serve.

Later – We’ve been here at the house all day. I’ve been playing with the girls a lot. I taped plastic over the windows of the van because the starter burned up. It’s a long story. We saw a building burning down. It was crazy. I’m sitting on the roof. I want to pray. O Lord, help me. Give me courage. Give me courage! I need the will to act, the will to be a man, the will to be your man, O Lord. Please, allow something to come of this trip. Give me the will to stick with what I decide. O Lord, be my king. Take my life. Please, O Lord, show me your power. I will praise you.



7-7-07
Back home today they had the Impact 30th reunion (the youth group where I’m a leader). Well, today I swam in the Caribbean Sea. Ha! I would have enjoyed seeing some people from the past, but I felt I should come to Haiti. We did go to the beach and it was a lot of fun. There was this married Brazilian/Portuguese guy that was hitting on the girls. It made me upset. Actually “upset” is the wrong word. It made me sick. I hate guys like that. I hate the ease at which they can talk to girls. I hate how they treat their wives and the girls they hit on. But, enough of that. Driving to and from the beach I saw some sights I wish I had been able to get pictures of. Two, extraordinarily muscular, grey beards cutting palm fronds (They should have been warriors not farmers.). A little bitty girl riding a donkey while whacking him with a stick. A speckled goat munching freshly cut funeral flowers. At the house Fena hit a ball over the wall, so Vanessa and I went to get it. I had to jump around on a pile of rocks with the girls yelling down to me. It was fun. Tomorrow, I may speak at the youth meeting. O Lord, I trust in you.




7-8-07
I’m sitting on the roof. It just rained on me fortunately it was just a sprinkle. It was cool. The sky is crazy. Beautiful, I mean. Today was church. It was good. It was hot and long, but I enjoyed it. I spoke at the youth meeting tonight. It was an experience. I was nervous. I gave my testimony and just shared a few verses. It was fun. (It started raining harder so I came inside.) I hope I was able to share with them well. It is in your hands, O Lord. Lord, guide me in all things. I praise you and I will tell of your works to all who will listen. Lord, I am yours and I long to serve you. I praise your Name!



7-9-07
Where do I begin? Today I went to VBS (Vacation Bible School). We had about 70 kids or so. I played football and baseball with the kids. Well, we just threw around the football and I tried to show them how to bat. I talked a lot with some of the older teens. They were teaching me Creole. I’d point to something and they’d say the Creole word. I’d try to pronounce it and they would all laugh. Then I went with Carole to the auto parts store. Sounds simple, but it’s not. We passed this place where they slaughter goats (for voodoo I think) and leave the carcasses lying around. The garage owner beat his employee after he shot sparks on me. I’m white so that means I’m rich and I represent business. In that part of town there is a huge slum. Words, words, words! I need words to describe it. Squalor. Rank. Horrifying. A mound of trash that is home to hundreds if not thousands. A river of human waste. It is not poverty that makes you sad. It’s poverty that scares you. I think I’m in shock. It is night and I see the lights of the wealthy up on the hill. I condemn them for their indifference. Yet I sit up on my hill called American and cast only a backward glance at the all need. And for some reason I think that is enough. O Lord, change me! Give me a heart of flesh not stone. Let me be a man after your own heart. Teach me to love with deeds and not only words. Teach me, O Lord! Teach me! Lord, be my all in all. Be my King. Be my Lord. Be my all. Change me, please. O Lord, open my heart. Break it to reshape it in your image. Break me to fix me. Make me a new man. And may that new man be a servant useful to you.

7-10-07
Today was interesting. I stayed at the house. I worked on fixing the toilet. It wasn’t fun, but it was necessary. I watched some of the classes that the others did with girls. I love these little orphans. I played with them a lot. I played their rock game which is kind of like Jacks. I did some goofy things like standing on my hands and stuff. O Lord, please help me. I long to serve you, O Lord. I know my thoughts are torn between you and this world. Purify my heart. Give me a heart to serve. O Lord, please break my heart only to mend it the way you want it. O Lord, I am yours. Use me!

7-11-07
Okay, so today I fixed the toilet with the guard and Evers. Yesterday, I didn’t get the job done. But, today we tore the whole thing apart. Tonight we had a birthday party for the girls. It was fun. Then we found a rat in Carole’s bathroom. One of the guys trapped it in the trashcan. Nobody wanted to kill it. So I took it to the roof and killed it with the machete. I threw it over the side into the rock pile. I don’t want to leave! I want to stay. It sounds funny after working on a toilet and dealing with rats. But, I want to stay. (Lightning is playing all across the Western sky.) You, O Lord, are mighty! You are my King! I don’t want to leave. I want to stay and serve you. I want to stay!

7-12-07
Well, I’m sitting in the Miami airport. The flight out of Haiti was four hours late. Then the ramp was broken when we got here. I missed my connecting flight. So... I’m flying to Orlando tonight and on to St. Louis in the morning. The airline claims it will give me a hotel. They wouldn’t give me meal vouchers, so I grabbed a piece of pizza. I’m glad I did because the place closed right after I walked in. Also, I hadn’t eaten anything since leaving the house except the French cheese crackers on the plane. Leaving the house-- the flight to Orlando is late! –-was very hard. I want to play with the girls everyday. This morning I saw Hosanna still lying in bed. I went in and sang with her. “Amazing Grace” is awesome in Creole just as it is in English (and probably every other language). She is so sweet. It was a very touching moment for me. Lovia was very standoffish. It made me sad. I gave out candy as I left. They all came over and gave me hugs. They all looked very sad that I was leaving. I guess I probably did too. Lord, keep those little girls in your hand. Protect all the workers who are still there. Give them strength. Allow them to be changed, O Lord.

7-13-07
2am EST – I’m in the terminal of the Orlando airport. It’s only me and the cleaning guy. I’m tired. I’m sick. I stink. (A very attractive portrait of myself I know but what am I to do?) No hotel for me and I have about three hours until I can get some food. So you all get treated to the sleep deprived ramblings of a half-crazed airport dweller. Still thinking of Haiti. But, I must admit already the cares and concerns of this world come crushing in. Work, Ezra Crane, money... All cloud my vision. Not to mention concerns for the future. O Lord, all is in your hands. Grant me peace. Grant me a little sleep. To be able to love those little girls in Haiti I will sleep in an airport, go hungry for awhile and much, much more.

Later – Well, I got a couple hours of sleep. The floor of the airport is not all that comfortable, but I won’t complain. I woke up about 4 am and ate at Burger King. I took my Malaria med and had a bottle of really good chocolate milk. Now, I’m waiting. Lord, I thank you for your provision.

My First Trip To Haiti

1-11-07
I’m sitting on the roof of the orphanage in Haiti. It’s pitch black. I’m using a flashlight to write. Haiti hits you like a ton of bricks. The poverty is staggering. From the air it’s a mountainous wilderness. Port-au-Prince sits in a bowl or amphitheater. Skeletons of houses stretch for miles. Sail boats dotted the sun bronzed sea. The airport is under UN control. Brazilian troops man posts with machine guns. The city is a huge slum. The streets are lined with people who have nothing. Everything is in decay. Nothing seems new. All appears hopeless. The rich sit up on the mountain their lights only make the poor seem poorer. I’m ill at ease. I’m ashamed of myself. The girls swarmed us desiring love. O Lord help me love. Teach me your kindness. Show me your heart. Teach me to love like you do.

1-12-07
I’ve only been here about 24 hours and I already love one of the girls. Her name is Lovia. I would raise her as my daughter. She deserves a father and a mother so do they all. Today we did a number of things. I got up with the sun. I read some of Isaiah. I shot some video. We cleared some land. I learned how to use a machete. We went to Deli Mart. Four men with shotguns stand outside for security. UN vehicles all over. Then we played with the girls. The sunrise and the sunset were beautiful. Lord, come to these people. Heal this land. Heal them! Be strong! Be merciful! Lord, come in a mighty way. Be salvation to Haiti.



1-13-07
Today was good. Up early. We restacked broken desks. We cleaned out the shed. Then we went up to Petionville. It was incredible. The people, the culture, the market. I loved it. I bought a few statues. One is a warrior with a sword blowing a couch shell. I will put it next to my crocodile from PNG. I cannot control my thoughts for 10 minutes! Why can’t I forget myself and love others? Lord, open my eyes to your will. Lord, be kind. Lord, be mighty. Lord, show me how to serve. Lord, guide me in the day and protect me in the night.

1-14-07
Today was church. It was moving yet I didn’t understand a word. I was thinking about culture and people. It is amazing how different we are yet how similar we are. The church is a wooden lean-to with a tin roof. But the church is in the hearts of the people not some building. I spent two or more hours playing with the girls. I love them all. Am I going to be changed by this trip? Or will I stay the same? Will I harden my heart to all the need in this world? Lord, change me! Even if I don’t want to! Change me! Allow me to concentrate on you. Lord, change me!

1-15-07
We went to the beach today. It was incredible. The water was beautiful. I found some rocks and shells. I stared at the sea for hours. Such beauty, such poverty! We drove through areas that looked like war zones. Well, some of them are war zones I guess. How do I describe the poverty? How to I tell of what I’ve seen? Lord, give me words. Give me insight. Lord, be my guide. Lord, help me. Lord, teach me what I need to know. Show me. Teach me how to love. Lord, change me. Show me how to change. Change me. Help me to live, O Lord. Change me! Lord, I need to change! Change me! I praise you, my Creator!

1-16-07
Today we went to Tony’s. He’s a crazy monk that helps handicapped and dying children. I can’t describe the children at his place. He asked for a volunteer to help him change a bandage on a little baby who’s covered in sores. I must admit that I was afraid so I didn’t volunteer. I didn’t think about the Lord or about helping a sick child. I thought about not getting germs. Why I am I so selfish? I don’t ever think about the Lord during the day. I think about myself, sex, food or fantasies. Lord, change me! Wake me up to the way you would have me be. Be my Father. Be my heart. Lord, be real. Show me how to be real. Give me the words and the heart to share what you’ve done for me. Help me share my life.



1-17-07
Our last full day. We’ve worked outside. I fixed the swing set. The day isn’t half over and I’m super tired. Lunch isn’t going to be served for hours. I’m going to play with the girls tonight. I’m going to give up my time. Lord, keep me calm and loving. Lord, teach me how to love these kids. Lord, give me strength and wisdom.

1-18-07
We just took of from Ft. Lauderdale. It was spectacular! The lights of the city were incredible. There were huge ships on the ocean. It was amazing. I didn’t want to leave this morning. Lovia was sad. She came up early this morning and we sat together for awhile. She went to school but she skipped out later and came back up. She cried. I cried. We talked and played a little while. Then she got busted and had to go back to school. The last I saw her was as she ran around the corner and disappeared. Then we left. I’m fighting back tears right now. I didn’t want to leave. I could have stayed. I knew this would happen. I knew before I ever left the States. How could I come to love her so much in so short of time? But it’s not only her what about Hosana, Landa and all the others? Lord, protect them. Keep them safe. Hold them and put your hand on them. Protect the innocent children. They are at your mercy.